I know that it was the best thing to do for my emotional health at the moment, but knowing that I will have no contact with Rob is killing me. At moments, I feel like I just can't stand it. It's not exactly a feeling like I want to call him or IM him, but it's this panicky feeling I get in my chest thinking that I'm just never going to hear from him ever again. It's like I have moments where I come out of my denial and just sit here and relive the fact all over again that he doesn't want to be with me.
I'm trying to work at ChaCha all weekend long, but all of these dumb questions in some way remind me of him or they are something he would laugh at or want to hear. I'm trying to listen to Pandora as I work, but every song has lyrics that I can identify with. I know that these feelings will pass eventually, but at this very moment it just feels so scary. I miss him so badly sometimes and the future just looks so... blah. Like there isn't much to look forward to at the moment.
I have a master plan for my life right now. I have things that I want to do... goals I want to reach and achieve, but during the day-to-day grinding, it's really hard to keep my thoughts from wandering and trying to trick me into all kinds of crazy things. I relive all of the bad stuff that happened and blame myself. I relive everything he ever complained about me or about how he felt about the relationship... It's so counterproductive, but I have no idea how to sidetrack my thoughts enough to focus on work and keeping a positive outlook.
It was nice to talk to Bambi earlier today. I miss her and I'm gonna go see her really soon. I have small goals and things to do planned for each day of the coming week, but it all feels kinda meaningless and mundane. It really sucks not to have that special person to call and talk to every day. It's hard not to know that someone has your back and will encourage you when you need it. It sucks to wonder if he's tired or hungry or lonely and I'm not there for him. See how my thoughts just railroad in one direction?? It's sick.
Gotta get back to work....
1.29.2011
1.27.2011
The Old Man and the Pills
I had the weirdest freakin' dream last night! I dreamed that I was still in high school and that my mom was very sick with something... maybe cancer or some other terminal illness. All day long at school, I could only think of finding a way to cure her.
There was an old man who lived near my house... maybe about 60 years old. He was skinny, but well build, had longish hair, and seemed kinda creepy, but kinda nice. After school, I got off the school bus and went to his house. In his garage, he brought out a dish filled with really thick, big, brightly colored pills. I knew that these were pain pills and specific pills to cure diseases. He told me to take as many of the pills as I wanted, so I took 2 of each pill and knew that I could Google the pills later to find out what they did. I put one of each pill in each pocket.
For some reason, the fact that he gave me these pills meant that I had to have sex with him as payment. So, I followed him back to his bedroom. He was on the bed, and I got on the bed next to him. We both took off our clothes. There was no kissing or romance or anything like that involved. He just grabbed me and pushed my head towards his penis. For some reason, I wasn't freaking out that he was old or gross or anything. When I looked at his penis, he had a shoestring tied around the bottom of it to keep it hard! I wasn't grossed out or freaked out, just curious that he used this method... So, we start to have sex, and in my dream it is feeling pretty good, and I'm not even bothered that this dude is a stranger to me and a 60-year-old man pushing pills on high school girls... For some reason, he has an orgasm, but I don't... but, I really wanted to. I felt really unfulfilled. But, he gets dressed quickly and goes and stands by the door and tells me that I really need to leave... it's time for me to leave.
I'm looking all around the room for my clothes. There are clothes everywhere, and it's difficult to find my own. I find a lot of other women's clothes and his clothes, but not mine. I can't find my bra, but I find a T-shit that Rob gave me when we first started dating with race cars on it. I put that on and a pair of cuffed shorts. I walk out of the house and start walking home. But, as I'm walking, I realize that these are not the clothes that I came over in. I'm not sure if they are MY clothes or not, and I'm positive that I wouldn't have gone to school wearing shorts in the wintertime and an over sized NASCAR T-shirt with no bra underneath.
So, I walk back to the old man's house and go back to his bedroom. I look and look around for my clothes. It's really hard for me to remember what I was originally wearing, but I know that I feel uncomfortable and sure that what I'm wearing now is not right. He lifts up the mattress so I can look under the bed, and I see Brody under there snuffling around and realize that I forgot Brody, too! Then, I see my pink and purple book bag on the floor and realize that I forgot that as well. Then, I check my pockets and realize that I don't have the pills with me and know that I must have been wearing different shorts or pants or a skirt. I'm starting to really get concerned and freak out, but can't find what I need and the old man is just standing there or going about his business and not helping. I look on top of a dresser and see some things that Sissy got rid of during her move. I think, how in the hell did HE get them? And he comes up to me and says, I'll auction them off to her for a low price if she wants them back. It's like a turntable, some horse statuettes, and a little diary.
This is where the dream ends. I have no idea what happens next because I woke up. What in the hell does this dream mean???
There was an old man who lived near my house... maybe about 60 years old. He was skinny, but well build, had longish hair, and seemed kinda creepy, but kinda nice. After school, I got off the school bus and went to his house. In his garage, he brought out a dish filled with really thick, big, brightly colored pills. I knew that these were pain pills and specific pills to cure diseases. He told me to take as many of the pills as I wanted, so I took 2 of each pill and knew that I could Google the pills later to find out what they did. I put one of each pill in each pocket.
For some reason, the fact that he gave me these pills meant that I had to have sex with him as payment. So, I followed him back to his bedroom. He was on the bed, and I got on the bed next to him. We both took off our clothes. There was no kissing or romance or anything like that involved. He just grabbed me and pushed my head towards his penis. For some reason, I wasn't freaking out that he was old or gross or anything. When I looked at his penis, he had a shoestring tied around the bottom of it to keep it hard! I wasn't grossed out or freaked out, just curious that he used this method... So, we start to have sex, and in my dream it is feeling pretty good, and I'm not even bothered that this dude is a stranger to me and a 60-year-old man pushing pills on high school girls... For some reason, he has an orgasm, but I don't... but, I really wanted to. I felt really unfulfilled. But, he gets dressed quickly and goes and stands by the door and tells me that I really need to leave... it's time for me to leave.
I'm looking all around the room for my clothes. There are clothes everywhere, and it's difficult to find my own. I find a lot of other women's clothes and his clothes, but not mine. I can't find my bra, but I find a T-shit that Rob gave me when we first started dating with race cars on it. I put that on and a pair of cuffed shorts. I walk out of the house and start walking home. But, as I'm walking, I realize that these are not the clothes that I came over in. I'm not sure if they are MY clothes or not, and I'm positive that I wouldn't have gone to school wearing shorts in the wintertime and an over sized NASCAR T-shirt with no bra underneath.
So, I walk back to the old man's house and go back to his bedroom. I look and look around for my clothes. It's really hard for me to remember what I was originally wearing, but I know that I feel uncomfortable and sure that what I'm wearing now is not right. He lifts up the mattress so I can look under the bed, and I see Brody under there snuffling around and realize that I forgot Brody, too! Then, I see my pink and purple book bag on the floor and realize that I forgot that as well. Then, I check my pockets and realize that I don't have the pills with me and know that I must have been wearing different shorts or pants or a skirt. I'm starting to really get concerned and freak out, but can't find what I need and the old man is just standing there or going about his business and not helping. I look on top of a dresser and see some things that Sissy got rid of during her move. I think, how in the hell did HE get them? And he comes up to me and says, I'll auction them off to her for a low price if she wants them back. It's like a turntable, some horse statuettes, and a little diary.
This is where the dream ends. I have no idea what happens next because I woke up. What in the hell does this dream mean???
1.26.2011
Same Old Story
It makes my heart hurt just seeing his picture on the IM or when he makes a FB post. It's terrible. I don't even know what to think about last night. Part of me is like, well, he needed to get stuff out of the car and didn't want to seem rude, so stayed out of guilt and for something to do. The other part of me thinks that he stayed and brought that specific movie for a reason... God knows what. I don't know. I wish that I could understand what is going on in his head. I wish that I could start feeling better soon. It hurts just as bad today as it did on Friday. Will it hurt this much a week from now? A month from now? Six months from now? I firmly believed that Robert was going to be the man I was going to marry and have babies with one day. Losing those dreams and hopes is just devastating. We have the same moral values and goals in life. We have a shared love of God that I thought would make our relationship stronger. I haven't heard from him all day today, so I'm assuming that last night was just a "whatever" moment. I'll just take it at face value. It was very non-committal and cordial. A couple of hugs. A kiss on the forehead. Getting his stuff. Watching a movie. Nothing. It means nothing but what it was.
I've been feeling sick to my stomach for the last two days. All of this stress is taking a toll on my body. I'm not eating like I should. I'm not getting enough sleep, and when I do sleep, it's restless. During my waking hours, I can't stop thinking. My eyes are all cried out. But, at the weirdest moments I start to tear up again. The only thing stopping me from crying for the last 24 hours is the fact that I have my contacts in. Everything I do reminds me of him. Listening to the radio is toxic. Playing a stupid computer game is not fun anymore. Anything I do, anywhere I go, and all the things I see or hear, I want to talk to him about because he's my person. He's my man. Now I just tell Brody, and he listens very patiently, but he doesn't make me laugh or give me a reassuring hug or do something stupid to cheer me up.
I just need to focus on getting through this one day at a time. This breakup is so much different from any past relationship. I have absolutely NO desire to date again. It's like I've lost all interest in the possibilities out there. If the best that I've found in 30 years just can't and won't be with me, why would I want to go find someone else? I love him, and he's letting me go. Sad story heard round the world I'm sure, but this one is oh so personal because it's happening to me.
Dear God, please comfort me and give me strength to be confident and strong in the coming days. Please watch over Turtle and comfort him as well...
I've been feeling sick to my stomach for the last two days. All of this stress is taking a toll on my body. I'm not eating like I should. I'm not getting enough sleep, and when I do sleep, it's restless. During my waking hours, I can't stop thinking. My eyes are all cried out. But, at the weirdest moments I start to tear up again. The only thing stopping me from crying for the last 24 hours is the fact that I have my contacts in. Everything I do reminds me of him. Listening to the radio is toxic. Playing a stupid computer game is not fun anymore. Anything I do, anywhere I go, and all the things I see or hear, I want to talk to him about because he's my person. He's my man. Now I just tell Brody, and he listens very patiently, but he doesn't make me laugh or give me a reassuring hug or do something stupid to cheer me up.
I just need to focus on getting through this one day at a time. This breakup is so much different from any past relationship. I have absolutely NO desire to date again. It's like I've lost all interest in the possibilities out there. If the best that I've found in 30 years just can't and won't be with me, why would I want to go find someone else? I love him, and he's letting me go. Sad story heard round the world I'm sure, but this one is oh so personal because it's happening to me.
Dear God, please comfort me and give me strength to be confident and strong in the coming days. Please watch over Turtle and comfort him as well...
1.25.2011
His Hands
His hands... warm around my lower back...
His hands... big with calluses...
His hands... pulling me towards his kisses
His hands... catching a tear or two
His hands... working for a better life
His hands... pushing me away
His hands... now only an impression on my heart
His hands... big with calluses...
His hands... pulling me towards his kisses
His hands... catching a tear or two
His hands... working for a better life
His hands... pushing me away
His hands... now only an impression on my heart
1.24.2011
STOP
Dear Jessica -
Why are you crying over someone who clearly does not want to be with you? Why are you crying over someone who doesn't want to talk to you or contact you? Why are you crying over someone who doesn't want to have sex with you or touch you? Why are you crying over something you have absolutely no control over? Why are you wasting time mourning and blubbering around when you could be working, making money, and bettering yourself and your lifestyle? Why are you giving someone that kind of control over you? Why did you stop caring about yourself? Why can you not see how lovable you are? Why are you choosing to suffer just because you are in pain?
STOP IT! RIGHT NOW! I MEAN IT! No one is worth this time and energy from you right now. No one deserves your tears when they don't shed one for you. No one has your back right now, but you. Suck it up, girl! YOU are not confused. You know exactly what you want out of life and love. Go work on getting that instead of focusing on a lost cause. Stop beating yourself up for something that is NOT YOUR FAULT!
You get 10 minutes a day to cry. That is it. Other than those 10 minutes (which is entirely too much anyway), you should be doing something productive and positive. You have met your 10-minute quota for the day and it is not even 2 p.m. Get the fuck up. Take a shower. Get dressed. Go to the grocery store. Work your ass off. Get some good sleep. STOP FUCKING WALLOWING. It is counterproductive.
Love,
Your Inner Warrior
Why are you crying over someone who clearly does not want to be with you? Why are you crying over someone who doesn't want to talk to you or contact you? Why are you crying over someone who doesn't want to have sex with you or touch you? Why are you crying over something you have absolutely no control over? Why are you wasting time mourning and blubbering around when you could be working, making money, and bettering yourself and your lifestyle? Why are you giving someone that kind of control over you? Why did you stop caring about yourself? Why can you not see how lovable you are? Why are you choosing to suffer just because you are in pain?
STOP IT! RIGHT NOW! I MEAN IT! No one is worth this time and energy from you right now. No one deserves your tears when they don't shed one for you. No one has your back right now, but you. Suck it up, girl! YOU are not confused. You know exactly what you want out of life and love. Go work on getting that instead of focusing on a lost cause. Stop beating yourself up for something that is NOT YOUR FAULT!
You get 10 minutes a day to cry. That is it. Other than those 10 minutes (which is entirely too much anyway), you should be doing something productive and positive. You have met your 10-minute quota for the day and it is not even 2 p.m. Get the fuck up. Take a shower. Get dressed. Go to the grocery store. Work your ass off. Get some good sleep. STOP FUCKING WALLOWING. It is counterproductive.
Love,
Your Inner Warrior
THINGS TO DO TO IMPROVE JESSICA (A.K.A. Stop Wallowing)
*** Start making more money NOW - at least $900/pay period in order to reduce financial stress and start saving money
*** Keep house cleaner so that it's not so gross - stop smoking in the house - keep up with dishes
*** Start volunteering - Tranquility in Hampton or SPCA - to help others in need and stop thinking only of myself for once
*** Start Grocery Game again in order to make the most of food stamps/grocery money - stock up - and be able to donate any excess free stuff
*** Stop picking face, shower more, dress up, put on makeup, even if I'm not leaving the house on a workday - feel better about appearance - get haircut and color AS SOON AS POSSIBLE - take care of nails
*** Put decals on walls - hang branch for owls - paint walls - hang shelves, beautify, and organize the home
*** Spend more time with family and friends - Bambi, Sissy, Cathy, Dazzle, Lauren, Brian, Gus, Mom, Andrew - stop being a hermit
*** Test anxiety more by going out places and not missing out on fun stuff
*** Get out and exercise when the weather warms up... take Brody to the dog park, swim, walk
*** Work on content and course material for JLS Transcription Academy - figure out how I'm gonna publish the website and GO LIVE
*** Get health insurance, dental, vision coverage - get teeth fixed and better glasses or contacts - take better care of health - try to find a counselor
*** For 3 months, focus entirely on yourself - DO NOT START DATING - do not browse single websites - get fab before worrying about giving more than you can right now and love yourself first and foremost before looking for love or trying to get back old love...
*** Keep house cleaner so that it's not so gross - stop smoking in the house - keep up with dishes
*** Start volunteering - Tranquility in Hampton or SPCA - to help others in need and stop thinking only of myself for once
*** Start Grocery Game again in order to make the most of food stamps/grocery money - stock up - and be able to donate any excess free stuff
*** Stop picking face, shower more, dress up, put on makeup, even if I'm not leaving the house on a workday - feel better about appearance - get haircut and color AS SOON AS POSSIBLE - take care of nails
*** Put decals on walls - hang branch for owls - paint walls - hang shelves, beautify, and organize the home
*** Spend more time with family and friends - Bambi, Sissy, Cathy, Dazzle, Lauren, Brian, Gus, Mom, Andrew - stop being a hermit
*** Test anxiety more by going out places and not missing out on fun stuff
*** Get out and exercise when the weather warms up... take Brody to the dog park, swim, walk
*** Work on content and course material for JLS Transcription Academy - figure out how I'm gonna publish the website and GO LIVE
*** Get health insurance, dental, vision coverage - get teeth fixed and better glasses or contacts - take better care of health - try to find a counselor
*** For 3 months, focus entirely on yourself - DO NOT START DATING - do not browse single websites - get fab before worrying about giving more than you can right now and love yourself first and foremost before looking for love or trying to get back old love...
1.22.2011
Self-Esteem Dead in the Water
Why do I let a man determine how I feel about myself? Why is it that when I go through a breakup, I let the faults of the other person determine my beliefs about myself?
Rob and I broke up last night, and at this point, I think I'm still in shock. I didn't really see it coming at all... at least not last night. But, with 20/20 hindsight, I can see what he's been trying to tell me for at least a month now. When someone says that they want to be with someone with no expectations, it means EXACTLY that. It means, no expectations. It means, they don't want to have to promise being there tomorrow or the next day. Shit, they can't even promise today, but they are there, so that should be enough in the moment. When someone withdraws from you not only emotionally, but physically as well, it is a huge red flag that they are withdrawing from the relationship.
I ask myself... What could I have done differently? Why couldn't I have been the one? Why couldn't I have been the one that he loved the best? The best to actually put fear aside for and break down those walls of feeling "confused" or unsure of the future...
One of his excuses for backing away was being hurt in the past and being worried that the past would repeat itself. Well... if we all lived that way, nothing would ever get done. No one would ever fall in love. No one would ever take a chance and start a business. No one would do great things. He's not the only one who has been burned in a relationship. I've been wounded beyond belief... and not just by men I CHOSE to have in my life, but one man in particular who was supposed to be my hero... the one who was supposed to teach me how to love and be loved. But, inside this wounded and broken heart of mine, I somehow still find the strength and courage to let go, jump in, and fall in love. Give someone the benefit of the doubt and just trust blindly that they won't hurt me and will be there when I fall.
He used his job (or lack thereof), stress, and lack of self esteem when it comes to being a provider as an excuse as to why he was pulling away. Well... These are all legitimate hardships. I completely empathize and care and wanted to be there for him every step of the way. I don't care about living hand to mouth. I don't care about money and things and houses and cars and TVs and what he can give me or provide for me. Those things are important in life, of course, but if I love someone, living through those hard times are what should bring people together and lean on one another even more... Not tear them apart and cause them to give up because of their own insecurities. The things that DO mean something to me are time, attention, comfort, care, laughter, respect, loyalty, affection. I'm not sure why those things need to be sacrificed during hard times OR in good times. If you love someone, you can't get them out of your head and want them to be happy and comforted and fulfilled no matter what the financial situation is...
He also used my anxiety as an excuse as to why he was unsure if our relationship was something he could deal with. I understand that my anxiety can be an issue in ALL relationships in my life. I know that it is frustrating when you want to do things with someone you love, but they have anxiety or panic in certain situations. But, to be fair, it was something that we discussed extensively when we first met. He had ample warning and knew these things about me before he made any sort of promises or commitments to being an "us." My anxiety should NOT be an issue when it comes to whether someone loves me or not. It is a part of me. It is something that I am working on, but not something that I can snap my fingers and make go away. I am a worthy human being to spend time with NO MATTER WHAT WE DO OR WHERE WE GO. I may get anxious going to the store or riding places and traveling, but if you need me and call me, I'll be there. If you need a hug and a kiss and someone to tell you how awesome you are, I'm there. Wanna cuddle? I'm good at that, too. He had faults, too, that I would sometimes question. He drinks a lot. I'm not sure if he's an alcoholic, and he doesn't drink every day, but when he does drink, he drinks to excess. He uses alcohol as a crutch... as a medicine. He used it to loosen himself up instead of being the great guy that he could just be sober. BUT, I knew this from the time I met him. It was something that I knew from the get-go and was willing to work with and accept. I was willing to live with it because it was a part of him. Something that I knew wouldn't go away in a day... I don't know.
Why should I have to ASK someone for affection? Why do I need to ask my boyfriend to have sex with me or want to kiss and hug me? Am I that horrible of a person that he can barely bring himself to touch me or be tender with me? He obviously wasn't and isn't in love with me, because when you're in love and want to be with someone, you can't take your hands off of them and love the together time and quiet time you get to be intimate with one another.
It seems to me that some people fall in love with a fantasy of another person. They fall in love with the potential of that other person and not how they are in the moment.
And it brings me back full circle. What did I do? What is it about me that is unlovable or not good enough for someone who I love and care about? And what is it about me that seems to pick these kind of men? Men who just can't fulfill some of the basic needs I'm looking for in a relationship? And when I say basic. I mean... Well. Basic. Trust, care, respect, loyalty, commitment, compassion, and passion. It's not much to ask.
I have a lot to work on when it comes to strengthening my own self esteem. I need to learn how to love myself, but I don't even know where to start. Mom told me tonight that I start by looking in the mirror and saying, "I love you, Jessica." But, how do I do that when it seems the people I choose to love don't love me back? How do I separate what other people think or portray to me and the real truth?
So, right now I'm feeling extremely weak, vulnerable, and depressed. I know this will pass eventually. I know that Rob or any other man does not define ME. I know that I am worthy of love. I know all of this in my head, but I wish that my head would hurry up and tell my heart that. Because my heart hurts. My heart is breaking. I'm grieving the loss of all the hope that I had with Robert. I thought I was going to marry that man. He made me feel safe and happy and so many things before he pushed me away. It's worse than when someone dies. Because when they die, they have no choice. But, when someone chooses to push you away, they are making a conscious choice not to be with you. And that hurts.
Rob and I broke up last night, and at this point, I think I'm still in shock. I didn't really see it coming at all... at least not last night. But, with 20/20 hindsight, I can see what he's been trying to tell me for at least a month now. When someone says that they want to be with someone with no expectations, it means EXACTLY that. It means, no expectations. It means, they don't want to have to promise being there tomorrow or the next day. Shit, they can't even promise today, but they are there, so that should be enough in the moment. When someone withdraws from you not only emotionally, but physically as well, it is a huge red flag that they are withdrawing from the relationship.
I ask myself... What could I have done differently? Why couldn't I have been the one? Why couldn't I have been the one that he loved the best? The best to actually put fear aside for and break down those walls of feeling "confused" or unsure of the future...
One of his excuses for backing away was being hurt in the past and being worried that the past would repeat itself. Well... if we all lived that way, nothing would ever get done. No one would ever fall in love. No one would ever take a chance and start a business. No one would do great things. He's not the only one who has been burned in a relationship. I've been wounded beyond belief... and not just by men I CHOSE to have in my life, but one man in particular who was supposed to be my hero... the one who was supposed to teach me how to love and be loved. But, inside this wounded and broken heart of mine, I somehow still find the strength and courage to let go, jump in, and fall in love. Give someone the benefit of the doubt and just trust blindly that they won't hurt me and will be there when I fall.
He used his job (or lack thereof), stress, and lack of self esteem when it comes to being a provider as an excuse as to why he was pulling away. Well... These are all legitimate hardships. I completely empathize and care and wanted to be there for him every step of the way. I don't care about living hand to mouth. I don't care about money and things and houses and cars and TVs and what he can give me or provide for me. Those things are important in life, of course, but if I love someone, living through those hard times are what should bring people together and lean on one another even more... Not tear them apart and cause them to give up because of their own insecurities. The things that DO mean something to me are time, attention, comfort, care, laughter, respect, loyalty, affection. I'm not sure why those things need to be sacrificed during hard times OR in good times. If you love someone, you can't get them out of your head and want them to be happy and comforted and fulfilled no matter what the financial situation is...
He also used my anxiety as an excuse as to why he was unsure if our relationship was something he could deal with. I understand that my anxiety can be an issue in ALL relationships in my life. I know that it is frustrating when you want to do things with someone you love, but they have anxiety or panic in certain situations. But, to be fair, it was something that we discussed extensively when we first met. He had ample warning and knew these things about me before he made any sort of promises or commitments to being an "us." My anxiety should NOT be an issue when it comes to whether someone loves me or not. It is a part of me. It is something that I am working on, but not something that I can snap my fingers and make go away. I am a worthy human being to spend time with NO MATTER WHAT WE DO OR WHERE WE GO. I may get anxious going to the store or riding places and traveling, but if you need me and call me, I'll be there. If you need a hug and a kiss and someone to tell you how awesome you are, I'm there. Wanna cuddle? I'm good at that, too. He had faults, too, that I would sometimes question. He drinks a lot. I'm not sure if he's an alcoholic, and he doesn't drink every day, but when he does drink, he drinks to excess. He uses alcohol as a crutch... as a medicine. He used it to loosen himself up instead of being the great guy that he could just be sober. BUT, I knew this from the time I met him. It was something that I knew from the get-go and was willing to work with and accept. I was willing to live with it because it was a part of him. Something that I knew wouldn't go away in a day... I don't know.
Why should I have to ASK someone for affection? Why do I need to ask my boyfriend to have sex with me or want to kiss and hug me? Am I that horrible of a person that he can barely bring himself to touch me or be tender with me? He obviously wasn't and isn't in love with me, because when you're in love and want to be with someone, you can't take your hands off of them and love the together time and quiet time you get to be intimate with one another.
It seems to me that some people fall in love with a fantasy of another person. They fall in love with the potential of that other person and not how they are in the moment.
And it brings me back full circle. What did I do? What is it about me that is unlovable or not good enough for someone who I love and care about? And what is it about me that seems to pick these kind of men? Men who just can't fulfill some of the basic needs I'm looking for in a relationship? And when I say basic. I mean... Well. Basic. Trust, care, respect, loyalty, commitment, compassion, and passion. It's not much to ask.
I have a lot to work on when it comes to strengthening my own self esteem. I need to learn how to love myself, but I don't even know where to start. Mom told me tonight that I start by looking in the mirror and saying, "I love you, Jessica." But, how do I do that when it seems the people I choose to love don't love me back? How do I separate what other people think or portray to me and the real truth?
So, right now I'm feeling extremely weak, vulnerable, and depressed. I know this will pass eventually. I know that Rob or any other man does not define ME. I know that I am worthy of love. I know all of this in my head, but I wish that my head would hurry up and tell my heart that. Because my heart hurts. My heart is breaking. I'm grieving the loss of all the hope that I had with Robert. I thought I was going to marry that man. He made me feel safe and happy and so many things before he pushed me away. It's worse than when someone dies. Because when they die, they have no choice. But, when someone chooses to push you away, they are making a conscious choice not to be with you. And that hurts.
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