How to Have Sex (With Me)

A certain girl woman, and I'm not naming names, got a little lucky the other night. *wink wink* Yeah, okay, you guessed it. It was me.

Yeah, so, anyway... I've had a little experience in my life with mattress dancing (still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing), as I am in my late 20s and still not married (I just threw up in my mouth a little when I typed that). Through the years, I have come across the gamut of sexual styles. There's been some REALLY bad ones and a few REALLY good ones. The good ones have been few and far between. Sadly, and more often than not, good sex and a great personality sans commitment phobia usually do not go hand in hand. Mama always told me that I had to screw kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince!

Well, these lips are gettin' sore! (pun unintended, but it makes me laugh, so I'm leaving it).

Here are a few tips for my future prince (and I'm sure most women will agree with me here):

It's Not a Race, People

Why is everyone is such a hurry these days? Don't they always say, 'it's not the destination, but the journey?' It's not a race, dude. My ass is not a piece of concrete, and your dick is not a jackhammer. Take things slow. I promise the big O will come in it's own time without a frantic fight to the finish!

BJ Etiquette

1. Bathe, please. I do not want to smell the sweat on your balls from your morning run. I do not enjoy "fromunda" cheese buildup from a long day at the office. I know you don't live in a barn. I know you know what soap is. Use it.

2. Trim up the boys. Exploring the jungle is not on my bucket list. Little hairs in between my teeth is not the sexy look I was going for when I went down under. Just show us girls a little kindness and give your nether regions a little once over with the razor. I promise, you will get more hummers and live a happier life.

3. Keep your hands away from my hair, ears, back of my head. I know that I am good at what I do. I know it feels good. I know you want more. But, please, keep your paws off of me and don't try to force yourself down my throat. It freaks us girls out! We like a take-charge, virile kinda guy, but using my ears as handlebars makes me feel a wee bit out of control of the situation. Lay back... relax... don't be such a caveman!

4. Don't expect miracles. Just because I do it once or even once in awhile does not mean that you can expect it each and every throw down in the bedroom. We girls enjoy making you feel good! We really do, despite what you think, enjoy being little naughty minxes now and again. But, we don't like to feel pressured about it. Honestly, the less you talk about it... the less you guide our head towards your crotch during a make-out session... the more of a chance you've got at some oral action. Just be patient. Good things come to patient boys who act pleasantly surprised when they get a BJ and not pouty when they don't!

Touch Me

Yeah, yeah. I know where your dirty little mind went. Of course, my love button needs pushing, but please realize it is NOT the only organ on my entire body. In fact, I have a very large organ that doesn't quite get the love it deserves sometimes: my skin. Yes. Many men focus on the nipples and the clitoris. That's all well and good, of course, because isn't that what it's all about when you get right down to it? On the flip side, though, I have one million other places on my body that feel good when you touch them, too, before the main event. Stroke my skin. Stroke my face. Stroke my hair. Kiss every inch of me before you even dare coming close to those oh so sensitive areas that you love to hone in on. The more you stay AWAY from those areas, the more I'll be begging you to touch them. It's like reverse psychology or something. Make her think you're not gonna nibble on her nipples or play with her hoo-ha, and you'll have her in a sweaty puddle before your feet!

Keep Insecurities Away From the Bedroom

We are ALL insecure about our bodies. We are ALL insecure about our abilities in the bedroom. (Well, most of us, except for me... I've got skillz. *wink wink*) It is normal to be nervous the first time you sleep with someone. It is even normal to be bashful the 5th time you sleep with someone! But, for goodness sake, please do not ask me a million times if it feels good. Please do not tell me that you are intimidated by me. Please do not say, "it's been awhile, hopefully I can remember how to do this right." Shut your trap and just DO IT! I know that this might sound harsh and might sound like I'm snubbing my nose at statements that should otherwise be considered compliments, but insecurity in a man is the biggest turn off to me. It's okay for you to feel insecure and scared, but please don't show it in the bedroom if you want me to pant your name and make the O sound. I like my man to at least appear to be in control and confident in his abilities. Even if you AREN'T that great in the sack, confidence will take you a long way, baby, and garner points for more horizontal dancing in the future!

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So, there you go. Follow those few suggestions, boys, and you'll be rocking my her socks off!

On the other hand... Halfway through writing this, I realized that I may still be single because I'm a picky, bossy bitch in the bedroom... Sigh... Oh well. Maybe a clean, well-trimmed, considerate, confident, slow-like-honey future lover is out there reading this. I can always dream, right?

Ear Mite Adventure

I live in a zoo. Yes, I have several breeds of animals in a 2-bedroom apartment... So, as any pet owner knows, there are lots of questionable messes to clean up along the road of pet ownership.

We've had our fair share of puke, diarrhea, and hairballs on the carpet, on shoes, and yes, even on a pile of clean laundry. (Yeah, that was a bad day.)

But, the latest pet mess takes the cake. My beloved Maximus has ear mites. According to Google, ear mites are tiny little fuckers that can't really be seen with the naked eye (and that's a direct quote, y'all). They are white and tiny and creepy crawl all over the inside of dog and cat ears. That's not the grossest part of it, though. What's nasty is that the ear mites leave waste behind... This waste turns into an icky, coffee-ground, brownish, skanky funk that invades poor Max's ears and looks like chunks of... well... chunks of something nasty.

Tonight, I was more brave bored than usual (but, also felt a little sorry for the poor guy) and decided to take a crack at a home remedy for these mites or at least try to pry some of them out with a Q-tip...

So, as I'm straddling my 30-pound cat and holding his head down in a wrestling move any coach would be proud of, I realize that we don't need a Q-tip here... We need a BUSH HOG.

Yeah, those little nasties have pretty much taken up permanent residence in Max's ear holes and invited all the other mites in the neighborhood, too, for a great big down home critter bar-b-q. It takes a village, I guess... UGH!

Little does Max know, but I'm about to pour some slippery, slimy oil into his poor head. Apparently, the vegetable or olive oil will smother the mites and also loosen up the chunks. Yum. I'm sitting on the kitchen floor with my bottle of extra virgin olive oil, Q-tips, cotton balls, and some other kind of balls (because, you know... performing any sort of procedure on a cat takes cojones). Carefully, I inspect the inside of his blocked up, foul-smelling, blackened ears and let a few drops of olive oil slime into the canal...

Yeah. Just a forewarning to any pet owners thinking about using this seemingly innocent and cheap home remedy... Bad idea, unless you're in a tiled room with a shower nozzle within reach. Max got irritated by the slime in his ear (of course... silly me for not thinking that far ahead) and let loose with shaking his head like crazy, and all of these blobs of ear mite goop came flying out and all over the kitchen floor, cabinets, his fur, and me. Fun times, y'all. Fun times.

After the initial explosion of black blobs, the rest of the gunk was pretty easily wiped out of his ears. I only threw up in my mouth a little bit, too! Oh, the things I do for my animals. I disinfected the kitchen floor, cabinets, and counters and washed my hands like a schizophrenic person with OCD, and the deed was done. I'm positive that the mess got completely cleaned up...

But, as I'm sitting here eating a banana off the counter, I see Maximus walk by shaking his head....

Hmmm. Maybe I'll do the mite procedure in the bathtub next time...