Must I Be Tortured for a Free Meal?

I like to go on safe first dates. And by safe, I mean picking a place with a fast turnover time. I never go out to dinner on a first date. Who wants to be stuck with a plate full of food in front of them across from some dude who is telling you about their love of NASCAR and eating with their mouth wide open making you wish that you hadn't wasted all that makeup and electricity on your hair straightener! Yeah, most gals might go for the "at least I got a free meal out of it" approach, but my thinking is that getting the hell out of a dicey situation as fast as possible if and when it goes sour is the best approach. So, normally, coffee dates are usually my standard g0-to first date gig - you can get out fast if things are going bad or extend the date into dinner if it's going good.

Woe is me for deviating from that tried and true first-date method...

W is gorgeous. One of those bi-racial men with long dark eyelashes and a dazzling smile. He was born and raised in Germany, served in the Army, and is now working for a nationally recognized insurance agency and going to college on the G.I. Bill. We talked on the phone several times and got to know each other a little before planning a date for Friday night. I suggested Starbucks. Each time I mentioned that location, he kind of hemmed and hawed about it.

Friday night and about an hour before our planned meeting time rolls around, and I'm already knee deep in concealer and mascara, W calls. "Hey, do you mind if we push our date back about 30 minutes? I'm out with my dad and I'm not sure when we'll be finished here." Hmmm. Okay, not too weird, right? He's with his dad. Awwww. How sweet that he spends time with his parents.

Twenty minutes before the (revised) date time and he calls again. "Do you mind if we meet at trendy-suburban-type restaurant instead?" Well. Okay. Getting a little miffed now that I'm already ready for this date, but whatever. Maybe he doesn't like coffee. Maybe he had a bad experience at a coffee shop. Sure, okay. You're cute as a button. I'll meet you at the restaurant. He says, "Okay, great! I'll be waiting for you outside."

As I pull up to the restaurant, I slap on some lip-plumping gloss and check myself quickly in the rear view mirror. (Oh, you know you do it, too!) He's even MORE handsome in person! His pictures in no way give this boy justice. Wow. He flashes those pearly whites, and I'm glad to meet him at a dumpster, let alone a restaurant!

Sadly, that was the best part of the entire date. It all goes downhill from there. There are just too many things that went wrong, so I'll keep this as short and sweet as possible with a list of this poor, poor man's dating transgressions.

• Not ONE compliment. No, "wow, you look great!" or "you look nice." Nothing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not the kind of girl that fishes for compliments or even expects to be told how gloriously beautiful she is on the regular, but it seems to me that a gentleman should AT LEAST hand out a compliment on a first date!
• He did two tours of combat in Iraq. Yeah. PTSD much? Not sure I want to end up on the wrong end of his military-issued piece one night while he's having a flashback.
• Talks incessantly about himself the entire time. He didn't ask any questions about me. It's not that I like talking about myself and want to bogart the conversation, but NO interest in me or my life whatsoever? Dude, you just REALLY don't ever want to get past a first date or ever get laid, right?
• Come to find out, he picked this specific restaurant because it's within walking distance of his house. Apparently, he got 3 DUIs which landed his ass in prison for a year. Hence, no license and no Starbucks.
• Last and definitely not least... As we are finishing up our meal, a woman and her friend walk into the bar area where we are sitting. Warren says hello, but they both give him a dirty look. They position themselves at the end of the bar, where they have a perfect view of us at one of the smaller tables. He tells me that this woman is someone that he was dating recently who is now "stalking" him.

Do I even have to tell y'all how disappointing this entire date was? Where the hell do these people come from? It's like the losery of the loserest seem to find me, trick me with their handsome looks, intelligent, thoughtful conversation, and then BAM! hit me with the kickers once they've finally got me somewhere awkward and inescapable, at least without being rude.

I guess I'm one of THOSE girls now.

At least I got a free meal out of it. -- Although, Ramen noodles and the 3rd season of Weeds while curled on the couch with my dog would have been a MUCH preferred alternative.

Thanks for the Non-Date, Dr. Jekyll... or is it Mr. Hyde?

I met him on PoF. His profile picture was adorable! Nothing crazy stood out in his profile monologue... We had two amazing phone conversations and lots of talk about getting together for a date this weekend. Several times he told me how beautiful I was, how much he enjoyed talking to me, and how he just couldn't stop thinking about me and that he was really excited to see me. Surprisingly, (or, maybe NOT surprisingly, since this IS the online dating world we're talking about here) that's when things started going downhill.

Him: "So, would you ever consider eating more healthy?"

Me: "What do you mean? Are you trying to say Lucky Charms and a cigarette aren't everyone's standard breakfast?" [as I lightly chuckle at my pseudo-joke]

Him: [long silence]

Me: "What do you mean by 'eating more healthy?' I mean, I enjoy a good meal with all of the basic food groups. I eat salad now and then. I love vegetables. But, I don't go out of my way to eat whole grain and tofu, if that's what you're saying..."

Him: "Well... just so you know, I haven't had anything processed or chocolate for at least 2 years."

Me: [blink blink]

Him: "I was just wondering if you would ever change your eating habits for someone, because I'm not sure if I could ever be with someone who eats junk all the time."

Me: [blink blink] "Ummmm... If you're asking me to give up chocolate to go on a date with you, you've got delusions of grandeur, dude."

**********

This second bit of conversation should be read with the understanding that my online dating profile CLEARLY states that I am a smoker. Also, during our previous great conversations, this topic had come up, and he acted like it was no big deal, especially since I have no plans on being a lifelong smoker and do plan on quitting eventually...

Him: "So, if we were to kiss, would you brush your teeth before we did?"

Me: [what the hell?? this guy is talking about kissing, and we haven't even gone on a date yet!] "Umm... well... I guess I would before we went to bed if we were living together or got more intimate later on."

Him: "Because someone who smokes REALLY turns me off, and I would want them to wash their hands and brush their teeth before kissing me or coming near me."

Me: "Hmmm. It sounds like this is a deal breaker for you. I have to honestly say that I would not brush my teeth after all 10 cigarettes I smoke a day."

Him: "Yeah, well. This is really going to be a problem for me."

**********

Ya think, guy? Yeah, why on earth would he even click on my profile and get to the point of 2 conversations into plans for a date and getting me all excited if he felt this way? Grrrrr! What a waste of my breath and time.

The next morning after our phone conversation, I sent him a text message that went something like this:

Hey, B. Too many red flags.
Not sure the date is a good idea.
I wish you luck!

Honestly, there were a few other red flags before the featured conversations above. The fact that he called me about 7 times in the span of 2 days. The fact that he lectured me about checking my PoF account when I should be focusing on one person (him). The fact that he volunteered the information that he is pretty jealous when he's in a relationship, but that he's "learned his lesson" and is "working on it."

I just steadily kept getting turned off, and I guess the diet thing and the smoking thing were the weird clinchers. At least I dodged a bullet. At least my douchebag radar worked this time... Because guess what his reply to my text was?

Yeah, I wasn't interested anyway.
Thanks, though.

Sigh.

***UPDATE*** No call all weekend from Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde, but he sends me a random picture of him this evening. WTF? I do not want pictures of you, dude. I wish that I had some sort of snarky reply to his picture, but I'm just speechless...

****UPDATE x2**** Two more texts were received from this prize of a guy...

Text 1: "WTF my nigga."

I shit you not. That is EXACTLY what the text said. I. Have. No. Words.

Text 2: (sent 2 days later) "I really want to see you."

Wow. This guy is... priceless. My reply? "I thought you 'weren't that interested anyway?' I take that to mean one of two things. Either you really weren't that interested anyway or it was a juvenile reply to me turning your ass down for a date. There are no do-overs for a first impression."

Love Sick

As I watch my sister and her boyfriend leave the apartment for dinner tonight, I'm standing on the balcony smoking and watching them walk to their car. I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy and loneliness at the fact that in 10 days I'll be turning 30, and I don't have that. I don't have that laughter, comfort, and constancy of a partner to share it with.

Yeah... I've kinda been seeing this guy, E, but I feel like I'm forcing it when I'm with him. There's really nothing that I can put my finger on that makes me say, "nope, he's a douche." He looks GREAT on paper: Good looking, kind, great job, responsible, owns property, good father, totally ga-ga over me, etc. etc. But, I just don't get butterflies when I'm with him. I don't feel excited about the next time I'll see him. I don't watch the clock in anticipation of the next time I'll be in his arms. I feel very nonchalant about the whole thing. "I guess I'll go out with E tonight since I have nothing better to do..." Yeah. Definitely not my idea of the kind of relationship I'm looking for right now.

I want to have apple cheeks. I want to have a perma-grin. I want to flop on my bed with a huge sigh after a date with THE ONE and exclaim that I am just so happy and so sprung by this guy. I don't want to have to analyze my feelings for someone. I just want to feel them and revel in it!

I'm worried that it's never going to happen for me. Logically, I know that I'm a catch. I know there are "lots of fish in the sea." I know that there is a man out there that is going to make me feel that way again... But, when I'm alone and lonely, it's hard to get out of the negative thought cycle... dwelling on the fact that it's been almost a year since I broke up with M and still haven't found someone who gets my toes tingling.

If I could make one wish today, it would be to find out if love is ever going to enter my life again in an all-consuming, happy, and delirious way like it has in the past and like others seem to have. Have I met my love quota already and blew it? If I at least knew it was going to happen eventually, I could relax and just enjoy life being single. If I could know that eventually I'll feel those butterflies, it wouldn't matter if it happens next week or 5 years from now... at least I'd know it's out there for me and I have something to look forward to.

It's just hard living with the unknown. Feeling the weeks, months, and years pass by wanting something so badly, but not knowing how to make it happen or at least put yourself in a situation that will make it more likely to happen.

In the meantime... I work hard, pray hard, spend time with my family, and bide my time hoping that there's someone out there feeling the same way as I do, and it's just a matter of time before we meet.