Must I Be Tortured for a Free Meal?

I like to go on safe first dates. And by safe, I mean picking a place with a fast turnover time. I never go out to dinner on a first date. Who wants to be stuck with a plate full of food in front of them across from some dude who is telling you about their love of NASCAR and eating with their mouth wide open making you wish that you hadn't wasted all that makeup and electricity on your hair straightener! Yeah, most gals might go for the "at least I got a free meal out of it" approach, but my thinking is that getting the hell out of a dicey situation as fast as possible if and when it goes sour is the best approach. So, normally, coffee dates are usually my standard g0-to first date gig - you can get out fast if things are going bad or extend the date into dinner if it's going good.

Woe is me for deviating from that tried and true first-date method...

W is gorgeous. One of those bi-racial men with long dark eyelashes and a dazzling smile. He was born and raised in Germany, served in the Army, and is now working for a nationally recognized insurance agency and going to college on the G.I. Bill. We talked on the phone several times and got to know each other a little before planning a date for Friday night. I suggested Starbucks. Each time I mentioned that location, he kind of hemmed and hawed about it.

Friday night and about an hour before our planned meeting time rolls around, and I'm already knee deep in concealer and mascara, W calls. "Hey, do you mind if we push our date back about 30 minutes? I'm out with my dad and I'm not sure when we'll be finished here." Hmmm. Okay, not too weird, right? He's with his dad. Awwww. How sweet that he spends time with his parents.

Twenty minutes before the (revised) date time and he calls again. "Do you mind if we meet at trendy-suburban-type restaurant instead?" Well. Okay. Getting a little miffed now that I'm already ready for this date, but whatever. Maybe he doesn't like coffee. Maybe he had a bad experience at a coffee shop. Sure, okay. You're cute as a button. I'll meet you at the restaurant. He says, "Okay, great! I'll be waiting for you outside."

As I pull up to the restaurant, I slap on some lip-plumping gloss and check myself quickly in the rear view mirror. (Oh, you know you do it, too!) He's even MORE handsome in person! His pictures in no way give this boy justice. Wow. He flashes those pearly whites, and I'm glad to meet him at a dumpster, let alone a restaurant!

Sadly, that was the best part of the entire date. It all goes downhill from there. There are just too many things that went wrong, so I'll keep this as short and sweet as possible with a list of this poor, poor man's dating transgressions.

• Not ONE compliment. No, "wow, you look great!" or "you look nice." Nothing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not the kind of girl that fishes for compliments or even expects to be told how gloriously beautiful she is on the regular, but it seems to me that a gentleman should AT LEAST hand out a compliment on a first date!
• He did two tours of combat in Iraq. Yeah. PTSD much? Not sure I want to end up on the wrong end of his military-issued piece one night while he's having a flashback.
• Talks incessantly about himself the entire time. He didn't ask any questions about me. It's not that I like talking about myself and want to bogart the conversation, but NO interest in me or my life whatsoever? Dude, you just REALLY don't ever want to get past a first date or ever get laid, right?
• Come to find out, he picked this specific restaurant because it's within walking distance of his house. Apparently, he got 3 DUIs which landed his ass in prison for a year. Hence, no license and no Starbucks.
• Last and definitely not least... As we are finishing up our meal, a woman and her friend walk into the bar area where we are sitting. Warren says hello, but they both give him a dirty look. They position themselves at the end of the bar, where they have a perfect view of us at one of the smaller tables. He tells me that this woman is someone that he was dating recently who is now "stalking" him.

Do I even have to tell y'all how disappointing this entire date was? Where the hell do these people come from? It's like the losery of the loserest seem to find me, trick me with their handsome looks, intelligent, thoughtful conversation, and then BAM! hit me with the kickers once they've finally got me somewhere awkward and inescapable, at least without being rude.

I guess I'm one of THOSE girls now.

At least I got a free meal out of it. -- Although, Ramen noodles and the 3rd season of Weeds while curled on the couch with my dog would have been a MUCH preferred alternative.