As I watch my sister and her boyfriend leave the apartment for dinner tonight, I'm standing on the balcony smoking and watching them walk to their car. I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy and loneliness at the fact that in 10 days I'll be turning 30, and I don't have that. I don't have that laughter, comfort, and constancy of a partner to share it with.
Yeah... I've kinda been seeing this guy, E, but I feel like I'm forcing it when I'm with him. There's really nothing that I can put my finger on that makes me say, "nope, he's a douche." He looks GREAT on paper: Good looking, kind, great job, responsible, owns property, good father, totally ga-ga over me, etc. etc. But, I just don't get butterflies when I'm with him. I don't feel excited about the next time I'll see him. I don't watch the clock in anticipation of the next time I'll be in his arms. I feel very nonchalant about the whole thing. "I guess I'll go out with E tonight since I have nothing better to do..." Yeah. Definitely not my idea of the kind of relationship I'm looking for right now.
I want to have apple cheeks. I want to have a perma-grin. I want to flop on my bed with a huge sigh after a date with THE ONE and exclaim that I am just so happy and so sprung by this guy. I don't want to have to analyze my feelings for someone. I just want to feel them and revel in it!
I'm worried that it's never going to happen for me. Logically, I know that I'm a catch. I know there are "lots of fish in the sea." I know that there is a man out there that is going to make me feel that way again... But, when I'm alone and lonely, it's hard to get out of the negative thought cycle... dwelling on the fact that it's been almost a year since I broke up with M and still haven't found someone who gets my toes tingling.
If I could make one wish today, it would be to find out if love is ever going to enter my life again in an all-consuming, happy, and delirious way like it has in the past and like others seem to have. Have I met my love quota already and blew it? If I at least knew it was going to happen eventually, I could relax and just enjoy life being single. If I could know that eventually I'll feel those butterflies, it wouldn't matter if it happens next week or 5 years from now... at least I'd know it's out there for me and I have something to look forward to.
It's just hard living with the unknown. Feeling the weeks, months, and years pass by wanting something so badly, but not knowing how to make it happen or at least put yourself in a situation that will make it more likely to happen.
In the meantime... I work hard, pray hard, spend time with my family, and bide my time hoping that there's someone out there feeling the same way as I do, and it's just a matter of time before we meet.
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