Same Old Story

It makes my heart hurt just seeing his picture on the IM or when he makes a FB post. It's terrible. I don't even know what to think about last night. Part of me is like, well, he needed to get stuff out of the car and didn't want to seem rude, so stayed out of guilt and for something to do. The other part of me thinks that he stayed and brought that specific movie for a reason... God knows what. I don't know. I wish that I could understand what is going on in his head. I wish that I could start feeling better soon. It hurts just as bad today as it did on Friday. Will it hurt this much a week from now? A month from now? Six months from now? I firmly believed that Robert was going to be the man I was going to marry and have babies with one day. Losing those dreams and hopes is just devastating. We have the same moral values and goals in life. We have a shared love of God that I thought would make our relationship stronger. I haven't heard from him all day today, so I'm assuming that last night was just a "whatever" moment. I'll just take it at face value. It was very non-committal and cordial. A couple of hugs. A kiss on the forehead. Getting his stuff. Watching a movie. Nothing. It means nothing but what it was.

I've been feeling sick to my stomach for the last two days. All of this stress is taking a toll on my body. I'm not eating like I should. I'm not getting enough sleep, and when I do sleep, it's restless. During my waking hours, I can't stop thinking. My eyes are all cried out. But, at the weirdest moments I start to tear up again. The only thing stopping me from crying for the last 24 hours is the fact that I have my contacts in. Everything I do reminds me of him. Listening to the radio is toxic. Playing a stupid computer game is not fun anymore. Anything I do, anywhere I go, and all the things I see or hear, I want to talk to him about because he's my person. He's my man. Now I just tell Brody, and he listens very patiently, but he doesn't make me laugh or give me a reassuring hug or do something stupid to cheer me up.

I just need to focus on getting through this one day at a time. This breakup is so much different from any past relationship. I have absolutely NO desire to date again. It's like I've lost all interest in the possibilities out there. If the best that I've found in 30 years just can't and won't be with me, why would I want to go find someone else? I love him, and he's letting me go. Sad story heard round the world I'm sure, but this one is oh so personal because it's happening to me.

Dear God, please comfort me and give me strength to be confident and strong in the coming days. Please watch over Turtle and comfort him as well...