Tonight is Hard

I know that it was the best thing to do for my emotional health at the moment, but knowing that I will have no contact with Rob is killing me. At moments, I feel like I just can't stand it. It's not exactly a feeling like I want to call him or IM him, but it's this panicky feeling I get in my chest thinking that I'm just never going to hear from him ever again. It's like I have moments where I come out of my denial and just sit here and relive the fact all over again that he doesn't want to be with me.

I'm trying to work at ChaCha all weekend long, but all of these dumb questions in some way remind me of him or they are something he would laugh at or want to hear. I'm trying to listen to Pandora as I work, but every song has lyrics that I can identify with. I know that these feelings will pass eventually, but at this very moment it just feels so scary. I miss him so badly sometimes and the future just looks so... blah. Like there isn't much to look forward to at the moment.

I have a master plan for my life right now. I have things that I want to do... goals I want to reach and achieve, but during the day-to-day grinding, it's really hard to keep my thoughts from wandering and trying to trick me into all kinds of crazy things. I relive all of the bad stuff that happened and blame myself. I relive everything he ever complained about me or about how he felt about the relationship... It's so counterproductive, but I have no idea how to sidetrack my thoughts enough to focus on work and keeping a positive outlook.

It was nice to talk to Bambi earlier today. I miss her and I'm gonna go see her really soon. I have small goals and things to do planned for each day of the coming week, but it all feels kinda meaningless and mundane. It really sucks not to have that special person to call and talk to every day. It's hard not to know that someone has your back and will encourage you when you need it. It sucks to wonder if he's tired or hungry or lonely and I'm not there for him. See how my thoughts just railroad in one direction?? It's sick.

Gotta get back to work....