Self-Esteem Dead in the Water

Why do I let a man determine how I feel about myself? Why is it that when I go through a breakup, I let the faults of the other person determine my beliefs about myself?

Rob and I broke up last night, and at this point, I think I'm still in shock. I didn't really see it coming at all... at least not last night. But, with 20/20 hindsight, I can see what he's been trying to tell me for at least a month now. When someone says that they want to be with someone with no expectations, it means EXACTLY that. It means, no expectations. It means, they don't want to have to promise being there tomorrow or the next day. Shit, they can't even promise today, but they are there, so that should be enough in the moment. When someone withdraws from you not only emotionally, but physically as well, it is a huge red flag that they are withdrawing from the relationship.

I ask myself... What could I have done differently? Why couldn't I have been the one? Why couldn't I have been the one that he loved the best? The best to actually put fear aside for and break down those walls of feeling "confused" or unsure of the future...

One of his excuses for backing away was being hurt in the past and being worried that the past would repeat itself. Well... if we all lived that way, nothing would ever get done. No one would ever fall in love. No one would ever take a chance and start a business. No one would do great things. He's not the only one who has been burned in a relationship. I've been wounded beyond belief... and not just by men I CHOSE to have in my life, but one man in particular who was supposed to be my hero... the one who was supposed to teach me how to love and be loved. But, inside this wounded and broken heart of mine, I somehow still find the strength and courage to let go, jump in, and fall in love. Give someone the benefit of the doubt and just trust blindly that they won't hurt me and will be there when I fall.

He used his job (or lack thereof), stress, and lack of self esteem when it comes to being a provider as an excuse as to why he was pulling away. Well... These are all legitimate hardships. I completely empathize and care and wanted to be there for him every step of the way. I don't care about living hand to mouth. I don't care about money and things and houses and cars and TVs and what he can give me or provide for me. Those things are important in life, of course, but if I love someone, living through those hard times are what should bring people together and lean on one another even more... Not tear them apart and cause them to give up because of their own insecurities. The things that DO mean something to me are time, attention, comfort, care, laughter, respect, loyalty, affection. I'm not sure why those things need to be sacrificed during hard times OR in good times. If you love someone, you can't get them out of your head and want them to be happy and comforted and fulfilled no matter what the financial situation is...

He also used my anxiety as an excuse as to why he was unsure if our relationship was something he could deal with. I understand that my anxiety can be an issue in ALL relationships in my life. I know that it is frustrating when you want to do things with someone you love, but they have anxiety or panic in certain situations. But, to be fair, it was something that we discussed extensively when we first met. He had ample warning and knew these things about me before he made any sort of promises or commitments to being an "us." My anxiety should NOT be an issue when it comes to whether someone loves me or not. It is a part of me. It is something that I am working on, but not something that I can snap my fingers and make go away. I am a worthy human being to spend time with NO MATTER WHAT WE DO OR WHERE WE GO. I may get anxious going to the store or riding places and traveling, but if you need me and call me, I'll be there. If you need a hug and a kiss and someone to tell you how awesome you are, I'm there. Wanna cuddle? I'm good at that, too. He had faults, too, that I would sometimes question. He drinks a lot. I'm not sure if he's an alcoholic, and he doesn't drink every day, but when he does drink, he drinks to excess. He uses alcohol as a crutch... as a medicine. He used it to loosen himself up instead of being the great guy that he could just be sober. BUT, I knew this from the time I met him. It was something that I knew from the get-go and was willing to work with and accept. I was willing to live with it because it was a part of him. Something that I knew wouldn't go away in a day... I don't know.

Why should I have to ASK someone for affection? Why do I need to ask my boyfriend to have sex with me or want to kiss and hug me? Am I that horrible of a person that he can barely bring himself to touch me or be tender with me? He obviously wasn't and isn't in love with me, because when you're in love and want to be with someone, you can't take your hands off of them and love the together time and quiet time you get to be intimate with one another.

It seems to me that some people fall in love with a fantasy of another person. They fall in love with the potential of that other person and not how they are in the moment.

And it brings me back full circle. What did I do? What is it about me that is unlovable or not good enough for someone who I love and care about? And what is it about me that seems to pick these kind of men? Men who just can't fulfill some of the basic needs I'm looking for in a relationship? And when I say basic. I mean... Well. Basic. Trust, care, respect, loyalty, commitment, compassion, and passion. It's not much to ask.

I have a lot to work on when it comes to strengthening my own self esteem. I need to learn how to love myself, but I don't even know where to start. Mom told me tonight that I start by looking in the mirror and saying, "I love you, Jessica." But, how do I do that when it seems the people I choose to love don't love me back? How do I separate what other people think or portray to me and the real truth?

So, right now I'm feeling extremely weak, vulnerable, and depressed. I know this will pass eventually. I know that Rob or any other man does not define ME. I know that I am worthy of love. I know all of this in my head, but I wish that my head would hurry up and tell my heart that. Because my heart hurts. My heart is breaking. I'm grieving the loss of all the hope that I had with Robert. I thought I was going to marry that man. He made me feel safe and happy and so many things before he pushed me away. It's worse than when someone dies. Because when they die, they have no choice. But, when someone chooses to push you away, they are making a conscious choice not to be with you. And that hurts.